I want to get better with writing and living so, I thought… I’ll do both – everyday, on here, and see what happens… if anything, it may entertain me and help me practice at the same time… perfect! Just to be clear here… I’m talking comfort zone crushed – willingly… honest and real, PLUS grammar issues and a lack of experience… excellent, right?! LOL – hey… I’ve got to start somewhere – I get it!
– Steph – xo
Revised… already ** Ok, so it’s June 4th now, but I’m doing it… yep, jump… I’m ready to write… everyday… to improve – yep.
I feel awkward in my life constantly, no joke. And my awareness of this feeling has increased by a million over the last few years. I have days where I’m more accepting of myself than others in this area. I think most people can relate to that in some degree, or maybe I’m just reaching for connection lol. Either way, for me it can be down right debilitating. I’m starting to see it, which is good – it means, if need be, I can start working on a solution. It means, I can talk about feeling awkward with other people who may feel the same way! I don’t know about you, but to me that is Magic… Helping eachother get through it all… yep. Ha! So, for now, I acknowledge you, My Awkwardness – and I’m not here to change you – just embrace you – for now ❤
So I’ve been doing quite a bit of Self discovery… doing new or old things to spark changes in myself, and yet keep me moving in the direction of my heart. It’s easy to get stagnant, and it can be equally as uneasy to get back on track. Today, I remembered how important my own physical health is to my puzzle. For me – it runs the machine. My thinking is clearer, my appetite is healthy, I sleep, and I have the energy to drive it all. Now… this doesn’t mean all of my decisions are good lol, BUT I am present and able to speak – yessss! There’s something about tapping back into that feeling – my internal competitive hunger. And just like that… another layer of myself revealed… ❤️
I’m good at stopping myself from doing things even before I start because as soon as I have an idea, I switch to… what will someone think, this will be hard work, I’d rather help someone else; self doubt, self-sabotage, and distraction. I get so overwhelmed and end up doing nothing, however, I convince myself I’ve done a lot and the world just sucks… and the cycle continues. The reality is, if I keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, I’m going to be let down every time. When I made the decision to hunt morel mushrooms it was a silly thought… I thought it was silly because it felt unachievable, even though I hadn’t tried. I hadn’t visited any woods at all… none…zero forested areas. But as this years season approached I decided to give it a whirl. Putting as much of the noisy chatter in my head, the “you look like an idiot”, away… I stepped into the woodsy arena and tasted a little self trust. Self trust? Yep… I trusted myself to try something new and to follow through… regardless of the outcome. I found nothing on my first attempt (or so I thought), but I must have planted a seed of hope… because a few weeks later I had the urge to try again. This time… about 20 minutes in I found a morel… and I stood there giddy with excitement and disbelief. I had done it — mission started and completed. Sooo… if I want to “be” something, I have to “be” it… I have to play the part… I have to step into the forest… more than once –
ok… I can do this ❤
I’m learning that when I set a goal for myself there will be obstacles, brick walls, U-turns, and many other things, BUT most importantly, there will always be yellow lights (it’s still forward) 🙂 and green lights too. Sometimes it feels like some obstacles are bigger than others… they involve money or time, or things not easily accessible – right here, right now. I find, that can make or break me… “that” situation. The one that is not easily fixed, so now it’s impossible. Now the time thing joins in the mess, lol… instead of seeing it as an opportunity to look at something at entry level… I want to be the CEO now, so… I forget the small actions get me there and the worries of obstacles get me nowhere. So good… my thinking can be sooooo good sometimes (sarcasm) and yes, I’m am grateful beyond words to be able to play it out differently. I don’t want to be right today, I want to be happy. Time is going to pass regardless, so if I spend my time doing the small things in accordance to the big thing I seek – eventually I will get there… the impossibles do happen… only if I take actions towards them… one foot forward… ❤
A part of recovery that sucks is death… it’s not easy… but I hear it gets easier – (When? Now?! Because I need that understanding now… this sucks.) One moment you’re connected with someone, you see the hope in their eyes and a heart full of strength for days… but the very next day, you catch wind that they’re gone. Nothing more – just gone… done. Whatever that switch is… it scares the hell out of me.
The only place I can go right now is in my heart. For me, there is no other emotion that has served me more purpose than Love.
… please, choose life… choose yourself.
It’s just not. If I would have held onto the idea that I needed to continue on, as is, well… I didn’t… let’s just stick with that for now, instead of others I chose me. I didn’t have a clue what choosing “me” meant… How? Why? So many questions — enough to keep me from getting started… yep I’ve got plenty of excuses too. Either way, when the pain is great enough change is a must – it’s not optional – if I want different results I have to do something different. There is no third door option, so I can stop looking for the exit signs. I finally gave in to my hearts desire… I chose me and my growth.
It’s not easy to make decisions that are life changing. For me, it’s the fear of the unknown. I mean… the shit that I’m dealing with, now, might just be easier to deal with than something new, right? I can just muscle through this again, right? Of course I rush to that thinking, it’s what I comfortable with, but wait… hold on…Soooo…I’m comfortable with and I’m good at living in my “stuff”… ok ok… misery? Exactly. I had to roll that one around in my head a few… (I was looking for the other door again) and then I read something that said, it takes the same effort to live in misery as it does to be happy. Bullshit! Right? Maybe not, I had to face the reality that I hadn’t tried yet…
One idea that took a toll on my decision making was… what about “them”… my friends, my family, others… you ever notice the pressure we put on eachother? To not change? I’m not even sure we know we’re doing it… change is so difficult to handle, that when someone else does it, it can create problems in us too. Crazy, right? Not only do we stifle ourselves, but eachother too – out of fear. This is where I started to realize I couldn’t do it anymore… the expectations I place on myself and others — no I’m done — please grow. I will not ask, or expect myself or another, to remain tiny so I don’t have to taste the scariness of change.
I realize change is not chosen by many, but it’s the path I’m digging on today… growth. We all deserve to grow in our own direction, we just have to choose it – the world needs us.
For me, for you, for us ❤️